The Violent Unknown Event had partially paralysed the face of Afracious Fallows, enlarged his heart, thumbs and genitals, made him scrofulous, softened and widened his feet and thoroughly wrecked his career as a school-headmaster. Afracious regularly sought to relieve his depression by driving a stolen car around the traffic island in the centre of Abersoch until the petrol ran out, or until he was stopped by the Police.
He made a living through petty thieving, gardening, mimicry, Latin lessons, car-stealing, bird identification and occasional prostitution. His greatest source of pride was being Secretary of the Abersoch Audubon Ornithological Society. And his rented beach-house at Cappis Sand housed sick seabirds, incompetent efforts at taxidermy and eccentric systems of bird classification of his own invention. Afracious strongly identified himself with Linnaeus and the Hoopoe. Three years ago, accused of embezzlement, he was unanimously dismissed from the Abersoch Audubon Society. To display his rancour and his erudition in one gesture, he spent the thirteenth anniversary of the VUE stealing property from beach-houses at Cappis Sand that were owned by members of the Abersoch Audubon Society who were not VUE victims.
He stole an umbrella from the 'Homestead', property of Mr Herbert Armada.
A pair of plimsols size eight, from 'Orinoco', owned by Mr and Mrs C Fretcalfe.
A pair of underpants, from an unnamed beach-house, owned by Mr Harris Rippley.
A second set of plimsols, size five, were taken from 'Oleander', owned by Mrs Lily Armada.
An anorak from an unnamed property.
A pair of earrings from the unnamed property of Mrs Freda Baal, who at the time of the robbery was Mrs Freda Cowls.
A third pair of plimsols from the 'Polyana', property of Mrs N Ipositan.
He stole a black, full-length overcoat from the 'Ole' belonging to a Mr G. Odfrey.
A fourth pair of plimsols, child's size six, taken from an unnamed beach-house belonging to Mr C Unroderiguez.
He stole a pair of brown shoes, size eight, from 'Endview' owned by a Mr and Mrs Stewupsson.
The Latin title Upupa Epops and the English name of the Hoopoe are spelt out respectively by the initials of the stolen items and the beach-houses. If the responsibility for the robberies was still in any doubt, the initials of the owners of the beach-houses spell out Afracious. Additional anagrams, acrostics and sum totals are fanciful. Once put on the track the Abersoch detectives could not be held back.
Afracious was easily caught, as he intended to be. He pleaded guilty and asked for twenty-seven other offences to be taken into account. He was imprisoned for three years and released after two, having earnt a year's remission for permitting his mouth to be reshaped the better to learn Hartileas B.
Plimsols 6 equals 27 equals 9x3 /92@1
endings a vocet s ooty tern
s tarling t urnbill
s kua s parrow
s andpiper s nowgoose
Herbert/C x1 H eron facing
Harris/L x2 C haffinch away
Freda/B F inch away
N ? facing
G G annet
Conrad x2 C ommarant away
owls - B arn/ S nowy/ L ittle/ L ong-eared earrings
A B E R S O C H - avocet/bittern/egret/robin/staring/osprey/chaffinch/heron
C A P P I S S A N D S - chaffinch/avocet/pee-wit/pee-wit/ibis/sand(sic)piper/avocet/?/dunlin/sandpiper
The Falls Biographies
Constance Ortuist Fallaburr
Appis (Arris) Fallabus
Ipson & Pulat Fallari
Bird Raspara Fallicutt
Sallis Pino Fallpinio
Erhaus Bewler Falluper