71

 Agostina Fallmutt

Duration 4.53

Agostina Fallmutt

 Agostina Fallmutt had started off her career as the official biographer of Dr. Frederich Karl Haberlein, the medical officer of the district of Pappenheim, who was the reputed discoverer of the first fossil remains of the primitive reptile bird Archaeopteryx. On the title page of the biography she had written: "Which of the two following objects were blown away in a gale and drowned in the Solnhofen Lake - Dr Friedrich Haberlein or Archaeopteryx?".

At the time of publication, this enigmatic inference was ignored. The biography in its first edition certainly never sold more than five hundred copies. Agostina quietly continued to teach biology at Torquay, spending her weekends collecting material from the beach to make up into collages for her friends. Then Agostina wrote an article for the WSPB's weekly journal, The Rooster, in which she reconstructed an imaginary conversation between the two involuntary iconoclasts of Oxford University who destroyed one of the last dodo specimens.

The traditionally dour readers of the journal were amused, and Agostina was invited to speak at ornithological meetings and be interviewed for local television. Her ability to combine wit and avian blasphemy made her popular and her publishers felt ready to print a second edition of her Haberlein biography. The debate about bird origins was taken up on a wider front and the enigmatic question on the title page of the book became a shorthand and convenient way of summing up the complex issue. Agostina Fallmutt was diagnosed as a female woman, officially speaking Antoneen. She was treated for mild epilepsy, took pills for high blood pressure and was advised to take frequent rests. She suffered from phantom pregnancies like Mary the First of England, whose Portrait with a Parrot was pasted on Agostina's bathroom mirror. 

Soon after the VUE, the hardier areas of skin on Agostina's body, on the fingertips, palms of her hands, soles on her feet, further hardened and new-toughened skin appeared on her elbows, knees and ankles which coruscated just above the elbows into protuberant gristle. Agostina took to wearing loose-sleeved blouses which kept the contours of her elbows hidden. She gave no evidence that she was distressed or unduly concerned by these unusual features. They may indeed have influenced a pamphlet she later published on avian cobs, wattles, wens and casques. With her change in fortune, Agostina went to Australia to study ratites, flightless birds like the kiwi and the emu, and more importantly, to research the large fossil record of their ancestors.

Agostina's French mechanic in Adelaide named her 'La Solitaire' on account of the lonely safaris she was prepared to take, driving in a battered Land Rover she referred to as 'The Goatsucker'. La Solitaire was also the name of an extinct flightless pigeon that had lived uniquely on the island of Rodriguez in the Indian Ocean. This bird was described by François Leguat as having small round masses of bone on each wing, enabling the cock birds to inflict damage on their rivals. Agostina must have been aware of the coincidence but she never remarked on it. 

Agostina camped for seventeen months without human contact in the Bar-She cave near Lake Te-Anan on South Island, New Zealand, where a colony of Notorni, a ratite long believed to be extinct, had unexpectedly turned up in 1948. It was from this cave that Agostina wrote out her theory of Ratite Revenge. Ousted by greed and ignorance on the part of man, the Ratites were attempting a comeback, a return to their former supremacy. They had perpetrated the Violent Unknown Event to transform man himself into a Ratite. 

When her thesis was published, and not by the WSPB who thought it ridiculous, Agostina was pilloried, and on a number of different levels. Her landlady sought a court order to get her removed from her flat in Torquay, the paperboy burnt her newspapers, a local grocer accused her of stealing egg-powder and her publisher withheld her royalties. Agostina took to driving her Land Rover in circles on the beach at Torbay until that too was forbidden her by the police who impounded the vehicle to search it for pornography. At the onset of a phantom pregnancy, Agostina took to staying indoors in the daytime to avoid further calumny. She went walking at night. The persecution ended tragically, for her body was eventually discovered in a boat-and-tackle hut at Teignmouth. It was difficult to establish foul play, so the verdict was ascribed to delayed effects of the Violent Unknown Event.
 

 

The Falls Biographies

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  2. Constance Ortuist Fallaburr

  3. Melorder Fallaburr

  4. Appis (Arris) Fallabus

  5. Standard Fallaby

  6. Tasida Fallaby

  7. Lacer Fallacet

  8. Arris Fallacie

  9. Mashanter Fallack

  10. Squaline Fallaize

  11. Carlos Fallantly

  12. Musicus Fallantly

  13. Wrallis Fallanway

  14. Allia Fallanx

  15. Starling Fallanx

  16. Ipson & Pulat Fallari

  17. Stachia Fallari

  18. Aptesia Fallarme

  19. Corntopia Fallas

  20. Anteo Fallaspy

  21. Pandist Fallaspy

  22. Sashio Fallaspy

  23. Vyanine Fallaspy

  24. Casternarm Fallast

  25. Ardenaur Fallatter

  26. Agropio Fallaver

  27. Propine Fallax

  28. Cash Fallbaez

  29. Antopody Fallbatts

  30. Coppice Fallbatteo

  31. Agrendo Fallbazz

  32. Cisgatten Fallbazz

  33. Hasp Fallbazz

  34. Canopy Fallbenning

  35. Cole Fallbird

  36. Castel Fallboys

  37. Acataloope Fallbus

  38. Astraham Fallbute

  39. Loosely Fallbute

  40. Betheda Fallbutus

  41. Bwythan Fallbutus

  42. Cathine Fallbutus

  43. Menenome Fallbutus

  44. Olivine Fallbutus

  45. Vacete Fallbutus

  46. Astra Fallcas

  47. David Fallcash

  48. Bewick Fallcaster

  49. Catch-Hanger Fallcaster

  50. Clasper Fallcaster

  51. Felix Fallcaster

  52. Max Fallcaster

  53. Orion Fallcaster

  54. Throper Fallcaster

  55. Raskado Fallcastle

  56. Appropinquo Fallcatti

  57. Agrimany Fallchester

  58. Sitiarch Fallding

  59. Ostler Falleaver

  60. Edio Fallenby

  61. Shey Fallenby

  62. Affinado Falleur

  63. Erek Fallfree

  64. Thomax Fallfresh

  65. Zachia Fallgillot

  66. Joyan Fallicory

  67. Bird Raspara Fallicutt

  68. Obsian Fallicutt

  69. Wrallis Fallinway

  70. Ashile Fallko

  71. Agostina Fallmutt

  72. Castan Fallockery

  73. Cottes Fallope

  74. Pollie Fallory

  75. Afracious Fallows 

  76. Hearty Fallparco

  77. Sallis Pino Fallpinio

  78. Crasstranger Fallqueue

  79. Romanese Fallracce

  80. Ascrib Fallstaff

  81. Armeror Fallstag

  82. Combayne Fallstoward

  83. Geoffrey Fallthuis

  84. Merriem Falltrick

  85. Stephany Falltrix

  86. Tolley Falluger

  87. Vassian Falluger

  88. Erhaus Bewler Falluper

  89. Grastled Fallusson

  90. Castral Fallvernon

  91. Leasting Fallvo

  92. Anthior Fallwaste

 

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