18

 Aptesia Fallarme

Duration 3.20

Aptesia Fallarme, for the purpose of this biography, has been persuaded to adopt a pseudonymous identity. It's not without relevance that she chose a bird-victim who is also an actress, in which capacity, though unprofessionally, Aptesia received more than one greatful dedication of thanks. Aptesia Fallarme is supposed to have been used as the model for the character of Happy Enido in Leo-dee-nine's novel 'A Sea-Vue'.

She could fill a warm porcelain bath in twenty minutes, a warm tin bath took a little longer. To fill a cold tin bath in less than an hour needed other inducements, like a view of the sea, a cow being milked, or the sound of a waterfall.

A great deal has been written about Aptesia Fallarme, most of it exaggerated and most of it scurrilous. The fair-minded Tulse Luper said, "She was a waterfall on legs". Majority Powels said, "She was a creature designed to render the services of an oasis".

The water poured from her skin, from the corners of her mouth, from her nose. As to the orifices more specialised for the expulsion of water the audiences were rarely disappointed. And in the little bathrooms of the suburbs the water splashed upon the carpet and they clapped and threw coins into the bath. In summer she was asked to stand on the bare patches of the lawn in the garden.

Aptesia herself was certainly responsible for a large part of her exaggerated reputation. Within months of the VUE she was travelling far and wide, exploiting her new characteristics at the least reputable fairgrounds, the more obscure cabarets and eventually in a house owned by a well-known photographer in Barons Court, West London, where Leo-dee-nine must have seen her.

And the opening of an umbrella was enough. Every minute this human waterfall would shake her body like a dog and wring out her hair. H.E. Carter would run in with a dressing gown embroidered with a running faucet. At the clinic she was kept away from the radiators as she soon fogged the room. She got locked in a surgery cold store and an orderly had to chip away the ice with a nail file. After an appearance at Palm Springs, she collapsed, suffering from nervous exhaustion and obesity. The hospital arranged a programme to regulate her output. Then, against advice, she allowed her name to be used by a plastic swimming-pool manufacturer and the hospital discharged her.

Aptesia's latest and much publicised ambition is to have a baby, though she's frightened, she says, that the baby might drown at birth.

 

The Falls Biographies

  1. Orchard Falla

  2. Constance Ortuist Fallaburr

  3. Melorder Fallaburr

  4. Appis (Arris) Fallabus

  5. Standard Fallaby

  6. Tasida Fallaby

  7. Lacer Fallacet

  8. Arris Fallacie

  9. Mashanter Fallack

  10. Squaline Fallaize

  11. Carlos Fallantly

  12. Musicus Fallantly

  13. Wrallis Fallanway

  14. Allia Fallanx

  15. Starling Fallanx

  16. Ipson & Pulat Fallari

  17. Stachia Fallari

  18. Aptesia Fallarme

  19. Corntopia Fallas

  20. Anteo Fallaspy

  21. Pandist Fallaspy

  22. Sashio Fallaspy

  23. Vyanine Fallaspy

  24. Casternarm Fallast

  25. Ardenaur Fallatter

  26. Agropio Fallaver

  27. Propine Fallax

  28. Cash Fallbaez

  29. Antopody Fallbatts

  30. Coppice Fallbatteo

  31. Agrendo Fallbazz

  32. Cisgatten Fallbazz

  33. Hasp Fallbazz

  34. Canopy Fallbenning

  35. Cole Fallbird

  36. Castel Fallboys

  37. Acataloope Fallbus

  38. Astraham Fallbute

  39. Loosely Fallbute

  40. Betheda Fallbutus

  41. Cathine Fallbutus

  42. Bwythan Fallbutus

  43. Menenome Fallbutus

  44. Olivine Fallbutus

  45. Vacete Fallbutus

  46. Astra Fallcas

  47. David Fallcash

  48. Bewick Fallcaster

  49. Catch-Hanger Fallcaster

  50. Clasper Fallcaster

  51. Felix Fallcaster

  52. Max Fallcaster

  53. Orion Fallcaster

  54. Throper Fallcaster

  55. Raskado Fallcastle

  56. Appropinquo Fallcatti

  57. Agrimany Fallchester

  58. Sitiarch Fallding

  59. Ostler Falleaver

  60. Edio Fallenby

  61. Shey Fallenby

  62. Affinado Falleur

  63. Erek Fallfree

  64. Thomax Fallfresh

  65. Zachia Fallgillot

  66. Joyan Fallicory

  67. Bird Gaspara Fallicutt

  68. Obsian Fallicutt

  69. Wrallis Fallinway

  70. Ashile Fallko

  71. Agostina Fallmutt

  72. Castan Fallockery

  73. Cottes Fallope

  74. Pollie Fallory

  75. Afracious Fallows

  76. Hearty Fallparco

  77. Sallis Pino Fallpinio

  78. Crasstranger Fallqueue

  79. Romanese Fallracce

  80. Ascrib Fallstaff

  81. Armeror Fallstag

  82. Combayne Fallstoward

  83. Geoffrey Fallthuis

  84. Merriem Falltrick

  85. Stephany Falltrix

  86. Tolley Falluger

  87. Vassian Falluger

  88. Erhaus Bewler Falluper

  89. Grastled Fallusson

  90. Castral Fallvernon

  91. Leasting Fallvo

  92. Anthior Fallwaste

 

The Falls 

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