Duration 4.00

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can think of."

Before the VUE, Erhaus Bewler Falluper was a master cataloguer, an enumerator and a collector of statistics. He inaugurated grand and extensive projects that other less gifted statisticians invariably completed.

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can the start with the letter C."

In the five years before the Violent Unknown Event, amongst many other unfinished projects, Erhaus personally conducted seventeen surveys about the state of the public's knowledge of natural landscape and all that was in it.

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can the start with the letter P."

Man: "Pigeon..."

The value of these surveys is doubtful. The results were erratic and arbitrarily catalogued. True to form, all seventeen incomplete surveys have, in their various ways, spawned further projects.

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can the start with the letter L."

This particular survey on bird knowledge is no exception.

Man: "Lark..."

Girl: "Lark..."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster: "Linnet..."

Woman: "Lapwing..."

Pollie Fallory: "I can't think of anything..."

Man: "Lark..."

Woman: "Lovebirds..."

Pollie Fallory: "What are those things in the zoo with the...? er, the, er..."

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, tell me as much as you can about the CUCKOO."

Boy: "The cuckoo is about thirty centimetres long..."

Indeed, Falluper's deliberately random choice of interviewees has been borrowed, the VUE Commission choosing to interview people whose surnames, like Falluper's own, began with the letters FALL. 

Whilst acknowledging his output, Fallupers detractors accused him of manufacturing fictions and deliberately confusing identities. He was also accused of not knowing the difference between a good joke and a bad one. Falluper's supporters were certain that these accusations were often true, but they believed that Falluper's half-fictions were effervescent by-products of his compulsion to draw up maps, index disaster and break chaos into small pieces that he might rearrange those pieces in a different way, perhaps alphabetically. However, Falluper's supporters had no illusions about his ability to tell a joke; they knew that he was much too serious to have a sense of humour. 

Falluper asked his questions of forty-one people. In the latest edition of the VUE Directory, there were exactly double that number of persons whose surnames began with the letters FALL. Of the forty-one persons that Falluper interviewed, seven were to become VUE victims. These seven, like Falluper himself, now speak Abcadefghan, have superlative night-vision, are welcomed at children's parties, can whistle well, fear flying, loathe the FOX, and inaugurate projects that others less gifted invariably complete.

Man: "Curlew..."

Boy: "Black crow..."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster: "Swallow..."

Girl: "Sparrow..."

Man: "Jackdaw..."

Man: "Dodo... dodo..."

Man: "Dodo..."

Man: "Little grey ones..."

Man: "..........................................................."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster:"........................................"

Man: "..........................................................."

Man: "..........................................................."

Man: "..........................................................."

Six out of the seven, like Falluper, have kept their post-VUE physical appearance hidden. The seventh victim has permitted her present day likeness to be used as an aid to the finding of her husband. If it had been necessary, Falluper could easily have invented the Violent Unknown Event. It certainly effaced him. To date there have been no more grand projects. It is said that Falluper has changed his identity and become a catalogue clerk working nights in an office in Whitfield Street, London W1.

Man: "Deerhen..."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster: "Lighthouse bird..."

Man: "Sepoy..."

Woman: "Chubb..."

Man: "Buzzard..."