88

 Erhaus Bewler Falluper

Duration 4.00

Erhaus Bewler Falluper's survey

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can think of."

Man: "Honey-buzzard, osprey..."

Man: "Wren, sparrow, starling..."

Woman: "Swallow, gull, buzzard..."

Man: "Tit, blue tit, coal tit, great tit, little tit, and many others..."

Before the VUE, Erhaus Bewler Falluper was a master cataloguer, an enumerator and a collector of statistics. He inaugurated grand and extensive projects that other less gifted statisticians invariably completed.

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can the start with the letter C."

In the five years before the Violent Unknown Event, amongst many other unfinished projects, Erhaus personally conducted seventeen surveys about the state of the public's knowledge of natural landscape and all that was in it.

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can the start with the letter P."

Man: "Pigeon..."

The value of these surveys is doubtful. The results were erratic and arbitrarily catalogued. True to form, all seventeen incomplete surveys have, in their various ways, spawned further projects.

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, name for me as many birds as you can the start with the letter L."

This particular survey on bird knowledge is no exception.

Man: "Lark..."

Girl: "Lark..."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster: "Linnet..."

Woman: "Lapwing..."

Pollie Fallory: "I can't think of anything..."

Man: "Lark..."

Woman: "Lovebirds..."

Pollie Fallory: "What are those things in the zoo with the...? er, the, er..."

Erhaus Bewler Falluper: "Starting at the buzzer, in thirty seconds, tell me as much as you can about the CUCKOO."

Boy: "The cuckoo is about thirty centimetres long..."

Indeed, Falluper's deliberately random choice of interviewees has been borrowed, the VUE Commission choosing to interview people whose surnames, like Falluper's own, began with the letters FALL. 

Whilst acknowledging his output, Fallupers detractors accused him of manufacturing fictions and deliberately confusing identities. He was also accused of not knowing the difference between a good joke and a bad one. Falluper's supporters were certain that these accusations were often true, but they believed that Falluper's half-fictions were effervescent by-products of his compulsion to draw up maps, index disaster and break chaos into small pieces that he might rearrange those pieces in a different way, perhaps alphabetically. However, Falluper's supporters had no illusions about his ability to tell a joke; they knew that he was much too serious to have a sense of humour. 

Falluper asked his questions of forty-one people. In the latest edition of the VUE Directory, there were exactly double that number of persons whose surnames began with the letters FALL. Of the forty-one persons that Falluper interviewed, seven were to become VUE victims. These seven, like Falluper himself, now speak Abcadefghan, have superlative night-vision, are welcomed at children's parties, can whistle well, fear flying, loathe the FOX, and inaugurate projects that others less gifted invariably complete.

Collated statistics Number 23 Birds ending with the letter W

Man: "Curlew..."

Boy: "Black crow..."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster: "Swallow..."

Girl: "Sparrow..."

Man: "Jackdaw..."

Collated statistics Number 37 Extinct Birds

Man: "Dodo... dodo..."

Man: "Dodo..."

Collated statistics Number 91 Little grey ones

Man: "Little grey ones..."

Collated statistics Number 41 Silences

Man: "..........................................................."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster:"........................................"

Man: "..........................................................."

Man: "..........................................................."

Man: "..........................................................."

Six out of the seven, like Falluper, have kept their post-VUE physical appearance hidden. The seventh victim has permitted her present day likeness to be used as an aid to the finding of her husband. If it had been necessary, Falluper could easily have invented the Violent Unknown Event. It certainly effaced him. To date there have been no more grand projects. It is said that Falluper has changed his identity and become a catalogue clerk working nights in an office in Whitfield Street, London W1.

Collated statistics Number 92 Obscurities

Man: "Deerhen..."

Catch-Hanger Fallcaster: "Lighthouse bird..."

Man: "Sepoy..."

Woman: "Chubb..."

Man: "Buzzard..."

The Falls Biographies

  1. Orchard Falla

  2. Constance Ortuist Fallaburr

  3. Melorder Fallaburr

  4. Appis (Arris) Fallabus

  5. Standard Fallaby

  6. Tasida Fallaby

  7. Lacer Fallacet

  8. Arris Fallacie

  9. Mashanter Fallack

  10. Squaline Fallaize

  11. Carlos Fallantly

  12. Musicus Fallantly

  13. Wrallis Fallanway

  14. Allia Fallanx

  15. Starling Fallanx

  16. Ipson & Pulat Fallari

  17. Stachia Fallari

  18. Aptesia Fallarme

  19. Corntopia Fallas

  20. Anteo Fallaspy

  21. Pandist Fallaspy

  22. Sashio Fallaspy

  23. Vyanine Fallaspy

  24. Casternarm Fallast

  25. Ardenaur Fallatter

  26. Agropio Fallaver

  27. Propine Fallax

  28. Cash Fallbaez

  29. Antopody Fallbatts

  30. Coppice Fallbatteo

  31. Agrendo Fallbazz

  32. Cisgatten Fallbazz

  33. Hasp Fallbazz

  34. Canopy Fallbenning

  35. Cole Fallbird

  36. Castel Fallboys

  37. Acataloope Fallbus

  38. Astraham Fallbute

  39. Loosely Fallbute

  40. Betheda Fallbutus

  41. Bwythan Fallbutus

  42. Cathine Fallbutus

  43. Menenome Fallbutus

  44. Olivine Fallbutus

  45. Vacete Fallbutus

  46. Astra Fallcas

  47. David Fallcash

  48. Bewick Fallcaster

  49. Catch-Hanger Fallcaster

  50. Clasper Fallcaster

  51. Felix Fallcaster

  52. Max Fallcaster

  53. Orion Fallcaster

  54. Throper Fallcaster

  55. Raskado Fallcastle

  56. Appropinquo Fallcatti

  57. Agrimany Fallchester

  58. Sitiarch Fallding

  59. Ostler Falleaver

  60. Edio Fallenby

  61. Shey Fallenby

  62. Affinado Falleur

  63. Erek Fallfree

  64. Thomax Fallfresh

  65. Zachia Fallgillot

  66. Joyan Fallicory

  67. Bird Raspara Fallicutt

  68. Obsian Fallicutt

  69. Wrallis Fallinway

  70. Ashile Fallko

  71. Agostina Fallmutt

  72. Castan Fallockery

  73. Cottes Fallope

  74. Pollie Fallory

  75. Afracious Fallows 

  76. Hearty Fallparco

  77. Sallis Pino Fallpinio

  78. Crasstranger Fallqueue

  79. Romanese Fallracce

  80. Ascrib Fallstaff

  81. Armeror Fallstag

  82. Combayne Fallstoward

  83. Geoffrey Fallthuis

  84. Merriem Falltrick

  85. Stephany Falltrix

  86. Tolley Falluger

  87. Vassian Falluger

  88. Erhaus Bewler Falluper

  89. Grastled Fallusson

  90. Castral Fallvernon

  91. Leasting Fallvo

  92. Anthior Fallwaste

 

 

The Falls 

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