Tulse Luper

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Name: Tulse Luper

Born: September 29, 1911 in Newport, Wales

Combined from various admired eruditions - John Cage - for John Cage's inventiveness and ability to tell stories... Buckminster Fuller - for Buckminster Fuller's stamina and loquaciousness... an enviable touch of Marcel Duchamp for mystery and provocativeness... and then to bring it all back to earth, the landscape and Natural History, to taxonomists and cataloguers, egg-collectors and left-handed clerks and parochial diarists - to make him familiar and local and English. He borrowed a touch of the gossip, John Aubrey, and the innocent, studious naturalist Gilbert White of Selbourne, and the red-faced ecologist, William Cobbett. Other traits derive from Jorge Luis Borges, Italo Calvino, R.B. Kitaj, Sacha Vierny, Laurence Sterne, Peter Greenaway's father, Marshall McLuhan, Jean le Rond d'Alembert, Edward Gibbon, Charles Darwin, Father Christmas, John James Audubon, Étienne-Louis Boullée, Samuel Johnson, Carolus Linnaeus, Fatty Arbuckle, Jacques Ledoux, Thornton Wilder and Isaac Newton.

Lover and sometime wife is/was Cissie Colpitts. Known to sport a hat and pipe, sometimes a shotgun and motor-cycle. Is a polyglot, a polymath, and sometime tiresome autodidact who had a mocking theory about almost everything - he was always speaking his mind. Makes continual significant appearances as a referee of events. Some say he is far-sighted but garrulous, others that he is myopic. He could be blind. Takes pleasure in accumulating more of the same yet relishing the essential minor differences. Once appeared as an authoritative ornithologist, which was a surprise even to those who know him best. Was a master-cataloguer, an enumerator and a collector of statistics. Had a compulsion to draw maps, index disaster and break chaos into small pieces so that he might rearrange those pieces in a different way, perhaps alphabetically. Likes to reminisce and look back. Madgett in Drowning by Numbers is regarded as a plumper and more combative version of Tulse Luper. 

Author of several short stories. Allegedly wrote this letter. Manufacturer of a collage-book called "Tulse Luper and the Center Walk" where biography was reduced to diagrams examined under topographical headings. Chapter Six was called "The Land of the Habitant" and featured twelve female athletes, a pair of antlers and the theory of Mendelian inheritance. Studied on the bogus Olduvai Papers. Is on record saying that, in the larynx of the right man, Curdine would be a superlative language, an antidote to all the world's feathers. Author of a book called "Some Migratory Birds of the Northern Hemisphere". 

Hanging from his bathroom are two ventilator fans operated by four hanging toggles which, when set in rotary motion, create a turbulence of air that could be said to represent the turbulence of outer space. Luper is known to communicate through his bathroom's hot-water radiator.

Credits: Appeared in Vertical Features Remake, A Walk Through H, The Falls, The Tulse Luper Suitcases. Also Production Advisor for The Falls.


Apocryphal attributes (there are also 920 of these which have not yet been verified)


Tulse Luper destroyed as much evidence of his existence as he could find.

Tulse Luper never washed his hands after urinating.

Tulse Luper did not want to meet himself in a dark alley.

Tulse Luper was fascinated with Sipton Groat's fascination with him.

Tulse Luper always denied he was involved in any Surrealist activity.

Tulse Luper wanted to name his daughter Fanny and his son Willie.

Tulse Luper had a desire to fornicate with a cripple.

Tulse Luper thought of his bed very often.

Tulse Luper learned to speak Dutch and Welsh, but did not have any desire to become a Dutchman or a Welshwoman.

Tlsue Lpeur wsa arwae taht eh cluod jmulbe ltetres ni wrods adn teh rdeaer wloud siltl eb albe ot udnretsnad waht eh wotre, jsut sa lnog sa eh ddi nto canghe teh fsirt adn lsat lteter ni teh lgnoer wrdos.

Tulse Luper anticipated that all deaths were either painful, baleful, distressing or humiliating. His would not be an exception. Most of all, he hated the idea of leaving a corpse behind him.

Tulse Luper wanted to cut off his deceased wife's vagina so he could look at it whenever he wanted to. He thought it was a terrible waste of the most beautiful vagina he had ever seen. He thought it was bold, big, embracing, and gripped him like an octopus. 

Tulse Luper thought that a male struggling to extricate a large stool from his anus was the equivalent of a female giving birth.

Tulse Luper liked pate de fois gras and was frightened of geese, but always forgot to wash out his navel.

Tulse Luper shaved his testicles once a month in front of the bathroom mirror. He stood on a chair.

Tulse Luper slept a great deal, knowing that his dreams never failed to give him enjoyment.

Tulse Luper went to Bath to have a bath in the Great Bath of the Roman Baths. 

Tulse Luper wondered that if God had made the world, who had made God?, and who had made who had made God?, and who had made who had made who had made God?, and who had made who had made who had made who had made God?

Tulse Luper not knowing what else experiences were for, turned all of them into some form of literature. Even whilst having a heart attack, he was wondering how to spell the word "cardiac".

Tulse Luper did not know what to think of the Christmas period - when everything stopped, reversed, hung in the balance. He stayed in bed for the most part, drinking. And reading.

Tulse Luper wanted the words: "He was born, he suffered, he died", put on the headstone of his grave.

Tulse Luper decided to move as soon as possible to New Zealand so as to be as far away as possible from Belgium.

Tulse Luper counted sheep even when he had no intention of falling asleep.

Tulse Luper sent his stepson with measles to school.

Tulse Luper loved women from their knees to their nipples.

Tulse Luper adored Mondays and abhorred weekends.

Tulse Luper hated washing cups but enjoyed drying plates.

Tulse Luper tried to commit suicide by holding his breath.

Tulse Luper loved the study of insects but called it etymology.

Tulse Luper wasted paper as though it grew on trees.

Tulse Luper was the fifteenth of fourteen children.

Tulse Luper thought that anyone who used the word 'pretentious' was closed-minded. That word wasn't part of his vocabulary.

Tulse Luper thought of Heaven as being somewhere between Mercury and Mars.

Tulse Luper wondered why in baseball you had to hit a round ball with a round bat.

Tulse Luper would rather worship a stone than any idea invented by man.

Tulse Luper made plans to go to the Mendips and become a recluse.

Tulse Luper only took his white dogs out at night. His black dogs had to be exercised by day.

Tulse Luper drove around and around roundabouts for the sure perversity of the gesture. And of course to waste petrol.

Tulse Luper was an eclectic opportunist who elusively modelled his personality on an everchanging succession of heroes.

Tulse Luper admired de Selby for his opinion on human existence being an hallucination containing in itself the secondary hallucinations of day and night (the latter an insanitary condition of the atmosphere due to accretions of black air) it ill becomes any man of sense to be concerned at the illusory approach of the supreme hallucination known as death. 

Tulse Luper argued that there was no such colour as blue. Blue in the sky is an illusion. The sky is not an object, but an empty space which, as everyone knows from the phenomenon of night and countless space odysseys, is black. Since the sea is a reflection of the sky, its blueness too is an illusion - worse - an illusion of an illusion.

Tulse Luper ripped each day off the paper calendar with great violence. He wanted to get to the end of the week, the end of the month, the end of the year, the end of the century. He wanted to get as quickly as possible to the end of his life.

Tulse Luper behaved very badly when he was sexually frustrated. This is because, it was said, he had always been quickly gratified by his mother when he was a youth. She, as part of a programme of support for her child, believed it was necessary for her to fulfil all his desires until he became a man and could make other arrangements.


Tulse Luper once thought of changing his name to Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle- dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

Tulse Luper found it difficult to continue to be antagonistic forever. But he kept trying. 

Tulse Luper wrote the word EXIT above all the doors in his house, in case he had difficulty in finding his way out.

Tulse Luper had a burning ambition to achieve absolutely nothing whatsoever in his life.

Tulse Luper threw out his baby with the bathwater. 

Tulse Luper was a cunning linguist, and a master debater.

Tulse Luper thought Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.

Tulse Luper knew Anaïs Nin carnally.

Tulse Luper behaved stoically in the face of grief, knowing that the clouds above him, the stones under his feet and the air in his lungs were totally disinterested in how he felt.

Tulse Luper enjoyed receiving wrong numbers on the phone because he could practice disinterested courtesy.

Tulse Luper understood traffic regulations like no-one else did, but nonetheless refused to obey them.

Tulse Luper knew that without a God, the Universe could be considered to be even more amazing.

Tulse Luper knew that NORWICH meant Knickers Off Ready When I Come Home.

Tulse Luper forced himself to enjoy his own company because nobody else did.

Tulse Luper had a gross prejudice against Muslims, Japanese, Belgians and women who made mouth-to-mouth contact with dogs.

Tulse Luper refused to put his clock back one hour. He would rather wait until it was time to put the clock forward one hour, to save himself, and the clock, the trouble.

Tulse Luper celebrated his birthday every year with glee. Not because it was the day he was born, but because it was another year closer to his death.

Tulse Luper, as a child, had to read by lamplight. His father refused to use electricity.

Tulse Luper omitted the word 'godsend' from his vocabulary. He substituted it with the word 'fortuitous'.

Tulse Luper shrank from all talk of burial. His mother had been buried in a grave on a meadow by a river that constantly flooded. Her body would be swamped by water from the North Sea, coming up the river in a quick swell. Her neat hair would rise up from her scalp and float until the muddy waters went down.

Tulse Luper lifted his hat to elderly ladies and to passing corpses. The former hated to be so acknowledged after seeing the latter so honoured.

Tulse Luper opened his mail with a butcher's knife, if only to give drama to his post. The correspondence he received was dull. But at least the knife had slaughtered, had taken life, had killed.

Tulse Luper judged eroticism by his first sexual experience, which might have been watching his grandmother sitting naked before her dressing table mirror in the light of a candle to brush her long hair when he was a child and peeping through his fingers at her as he lay in her bed. He was six years old. It was winter-time. She saw him, smiled and blew out the candle. It smoked. Smoking candles, long black hair, winter nights and long rambling sentences always subsequently excited him erotically.

Tulse Luper read slowly without feeling. Page after page in silence. Wetting his finger to turn the page. Giving himself enough time, between pages, to reach down to hold and stroke his prick.

Tulse Luper told others that good manners do not cost anything, and then told them that bad manners do not cost anything as well.

Tulse Luper taught mathematics in a taxi to rich children whose parents could afford the fare. Mornington Crescent to Liverpool Street Station cost eighteen pounds and covered two pages of differential calculus.

Tulse Luper scandalised his neighbours by sitting naked on his verandah at night. And then scandalised them some more by doing it by day.

Tulse Luper conceived a boy by stealth. With a turkey baster. And a pinch of salt. And making sure it was towards the end of her ovulation. He looked away when he did it, not daring to spoil his gay reputation. She smiled. And checked in the bathroom mirror to watch whether he could in fact see what he was doing.

Tulse Luper liked lions for their smell, camels for their hair and pygmy hippopotami for their clammy nakedness when they came out of the water.

Tulse Luper discovered that he could just about lick the tip of his prick if he got up early.

Tulse Luper, when seeing the word "god", always thought it was dog mistakenly spelt backwards.

Tulse Luper dreamed of the English countryside and wanted to wander in it.

Tulse Luper thought dogs were dogmatic, and cats were catatonic.

Tulse Luper liked going to funerals and hated going to weddings.

Tulse Luper mistook his wife for a bank. Of a river.

Tulse Luper drank himself insensible every night.

Tulse Luper tied his two dogs' tails together.

Tulse Luper picked his nose with enthusiasm.

Tulse Luper liked cricket and Canada, but hated Austria.

Tulse Luper was an anti-vivisectionist.

Tulse Luper roofed his studio with asbestos. He was frightened of fire from the sky.

Tulse Luper silenced all opposition by insults of great perspicacity.

Tulse Luper understood theories of philosophy very rudimentarily.

Tulse Luper masturbated to the tune of Mozart's Sinfonia Concertante K364, using his prick like a violin bow.

Tulse Luper knew that the best stimulation to success was often anger. Anger that other people believed you could not do what you had set out to do.

Tulse Luper was disappointed to find de Sade was every bit as wretched and miserable a man as his writings suggest. Such findings are bound to want you to give up sadism and take up something like golf.

Tulse Luper thought Darwin was a town near Blackburn.

Tulse Luper poured hot tea on his cat.

Tulse Luper celebrated his birthday not once but three times a year - on the day of his conception, his birth and his christening. The first was difficult to confirm and he had to rely on his mother's memory, the second was theoretically debatable because he was born exactly on the stroke of midnight, and did midnight belong to this day or the next, and at his Christening he was named James, though his father called him Samuel and everyone knew him as Perry, though he called himself Nancy. Perhaps even his sex was debatable. Certainly nobody ever called him James, so was his Christening Day a valid ceremony?

Tulse Luper laughed at the idea of dates being accurate. Christ's birthday, by which we make so many calculations, could have been 4 years before the stated time because Herod died in 4 BC and we cannot have the mythology of Christ's birth without Herod. Or it could be six years after, because if we believe in "the star in the East", it did not arrive as a comet until 6 AD. Which is all a little irrelevant anyway because Matthew, to make Old Testament prophecies come true, invented Herod as the New Pharaoh, the Massacre of the Innocents as the Tenth Plague of Egypt, and the Flight into and out of Egypt as the Imprisonment and Exodus of the Jews from Egypt. Even the census and birth of Christ in Bethlehem is a fabrication to make the Old Testament qualify as Christian prophecy.

Tulse Luper was an intelligent, unsociable, but adaptable person. He liked to dispel any untrue rumours about himself. He was not edible. He could not fly. He could not use telekinesis. His brain was not large enough to destroy the entire world when unfolded. He did not teach his long-haired guinea pig Chronos to eat everything in sight (that is the nature of the long-haired guinea pig).

Tulse Luper thought black sheep were more interesting than white ones.

Tulse Luper urinated on the flowers in his garden when it rained.

Tulse Luper copulated with large ducks, preferably Indian Runners.  

Tulse Luper went to a car boot sale and bought a car boot.

Tulse Luper took no notice of his doctor. And died.

Tulse Luper got goose bumps on his prick.

Tulse Luper admired Lot's wife.

Tulse Luper hated babies.

Tulse Luper never cleaned his ears, thinking that earwax was a good protection against dust, insects, foreign bodies and loud noise.

Tulse Luper insisted on living in houses and apartments where the numbers on the doors had to be divisible by three.

Tulse Luper wrote many letters but seldom sent them. He objected to buying stamps. He would rather have walked his letters to their destination than pay the post-office.

Tulse Luper thought dying was like going to sleep and never waking up again.